By: Caitlin Courtney
It was just like any other first date. Camara McLaughlin, then 16, brought her newly declared boyfriend, Jason to a friend’s birthday dinner at Applebee’s. McLaughlin was excited to have her boyfriend with her. The date had gone smoothly right up until the end.
The group said their goodbyes and slowly made their way out of the restaurant.
The crisp December air wisped past as McLaughlin stood nervously with Jason by his forest green Cavalier in the parking lot of the Peterstown Family Dollar. It was finally the end of their first date.
Everyone from the dinner group had dispersed throughout the parking lot to their respective cars. McLaughlin and Jason were all alone except for some shoppers exiting the nearby store. She looked at her boyfriend and leaned in to give him a peck on the lips and a little hug before backing away gracefully.
She was being uncharacteristically suave; until she backed straight into the side view mirror of Jason’s car with so much force she knocked it askew. Embarrassed; she scampered away without another word.
“My awkwardness manifested in a clumsy move,” McLaughlin said. “I hope it was endearing, I guess it was, we’re still together!”
This was short and to the point, but told enough. The details were very good. The only thing I didn't like was that you used McLaughlin and not her first name (especially if you used Jason, and not his last name). It didn't let me get close enough to the character. Cute ending too!
ReplyDeleteI liked this story alot because I'm sure everyone can relate to an awkward moment like this. And I like that they're still together :)!!
ReplyDeleteI loved the wonderful description...I thought I was there! I think every girl can relate to this story, so much so that I find myself giggling thinking about my own dating awkwardness! :-). I agree with Lizzie about using Camara's last name throughout and using the boyfriend's first name. It needs to be the same with both names, maybe get Jason's last name too if you want to use Camara's last name still. lol--- if this made any sense!
ReplyDeleteI had the same issue, I would have liked it a little better if it was Camara's name and not the last name and I would have liked to have a little more detail of the actual date. Great adjectives, though!
ReplyDeleteAw cute story. Well written, I would just say use her first name instead of her last.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree it's a cute story. I think you could add more color and detail in it though.You could add a short narrative, with actual dialogue between Camara and her boyfriend when she knowcked the mirror off the side for example.
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