It's a surprisingly sunny day in Avon, Ct. The birds are chirping and Lizzie Buckthorpe walks out of her red brick house, through the wet dew grass, and into her pepper white Mini Cooper.
She made a right up her street and turned onto the very busy Avon Road. Buckthorpe is driving along the street, thinking about her day. She plans out her babysitting schedule and is happy because she realizes that she can go to the gym.
She stops at a red light, looks down at her red nail polish, it's chipping. She decides that she will get a manicure tomorrow.
The stop light turns green. Buckthorpe continues driving four more miles on Avon Road.
"It's extremely crowded today," she thinks to herself.
She puts her left turn signal on and waits for a pause in traffic so she can squeeze onto Cedar Brooke Drive.
Tick, Tick, Tick, her turn signal steadily clicks as she patiently waits to turn left.
She glances in her rear view mirror and sees a black SAAB storming towards her. A small shriek comes out of Buckthorpe as she clenches the steering wheel.
The SAAB crunches into the back of Buckthorpe's pepper white car which is now scratched and stained black.
Buckthorpe slowly steps out of her car, with her hands shaking, she is extremely pale and looks as though she has seen a ghost.
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I like how you included what Lizzie was thinking about when she was in the car. It really supports the idea that a seemingly normal, ordinary day, can quickly become a scary day. I also really enjoy the "tick, tick, tick" of the turn signal. It puts me in the car with her.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know why the day was surprisingly sunny, and also when this is taking place.
I like the "tick,tick, tick" part becuase it builds up suspense and it made me think that something was about to happen! I think it could have gone a little bit longer but other than that it was really good!
ReplyDeleteI love the progression of this story; it works really well in the present tense. There is almost a rhythm to it. Most of the description is great, but I'm not sure the image of "pepper white" is accurate. I associate pepper as being a sprinkling of black/grey, and the phrase leaves me a bit confused. Maybe peppermint white?
ReplyDeleteAlso, where is Lizzie driving to? Her babysitting job?
I like the build up to the accident, from the happy-go-lucky driving to the sudden crash, but I think you could have described the actual accident a little more. I also agree with Cathy about the pepper thing.
ReplyDeleteI like the suspense, I would just like Lizzie's name more than her last name.
ReplyDeleteJourdan,
ReplyDeletestory starts out very detailed and have some good suspense in there.
Would've liked to see some foreshadowing and also more detail about the crash and what comes after that.