Lead Exercise

by Cathy Caudill

1.

Imagine this: you’re driving out West, cruising through the Great Plains, when you notice a strange sign. It’s a yellow diamond—rather, it’s a square tipped onto its corner—and there’s a picture. Naturally, you recognize an animal-crossing sign when you see one, but what is that shape? It’s not a deer—of that you are certain. Perhaps an elk? A buffalo?

 

A minute later your question is answered, but you can hardly believe what you’re seeing—slamming on your brakes, you stop and stare in wonder: tramping on a cloud of dust, a herd of wildebeests are marching across the road.

 

2.

So far, so good.

Adrenaline surged through the robber as he searched for his escape. There: in ignorance of his approach, she was removing the gas nozzle from her tank. The keys glimmered invitingly from the ignition. Yes, there. He wrenched open the driver’s door and jumped inside, flinging the sack of newly-stolen money aside and turning the car to life. As he sped out of Quik Shoppe parking lot he heard her screaming something at him, but the words were lost—smothered by the ferocious roar of the engine and the shrill cry of the tires—not a moment, and he was gone.

 

 So far, so good.  

But, wait—no—something was wrong, horribly wrong: maybe it was a noise he had heard but ignored; maybe it was something he’d seen but hadn’t noticed; maybe a stray word from the screaming woman had only just reached him. But he was aware that it was there— back there, behind him. Twisting to peer into the back seat, he blanched—something had gone horribly wrong: there was a baby on board.

 

3.

As 86th District Representative Constance P. Wei was driving home Wednesday she was involved in an accident, sustaining $8,000 in damages and an inestimable amount of irony.

Wei is fighting a bill that representatives are trying to pass that would ban cell phone use in cars. “All this is is Big Brother telling you what to do,” she said. Wei was on her cell phone speaking to State representative Peter Mackey about postponing a vote on the bill, when she drove into Michael Jeffrey’s Toyota Camry, stopped at a red light.

4.

It’s every school-child’s dream come true: no school on Friday...every week!

5. 

The city’s uncompleted annex will soon serve a greater purpose than the government’s  storage warehouse. Soon the boxes of old water bills and other papers will give way to  a thriving community center with a historical exhibit hall and a senior citizen’s center, equipped with meeting and conference rooms for public usage.

The project was abandoned seven years ago due to a lack of funding, until the city recently received a $2,000,000 from one Willie Hattaway. Hattaway, an elderly man who lived a middle-class existence, willed his life’s savings to the government upon his recent death—the money which will be used to finish the forsaken community center.

6. 

Sarah Zerwinn has been sentenced to 60 days in jail—not because of something she did, but because of something she failed to do. Zerwinn had failed to take her 6-year-old daughter, Sarah, to school.