By Lyndsay Rowley
Time stood still in the windowless dungeon like pharmacy like a calm sea right before a treacherous storm hits.
On a seemingly normal day, Liz stood in her blue K-Mart jacket behind the pharmacy counter waiting for a customer she could lend her services to.
A thin pale man wearing a blue jacket and baseball cap approached the counter and looked down at Liz with his deep blues eyes. "Can I have some needles?"
Liz happily asked the man if he had a prescription, but the man was shaking and unable to clearly speak. His unwashed face oozed with disdain.
A look of anger began to grow on the stranger's face. "I don't have to tell you why! Give them to me!" The man's voice was like thunder coming down on helpless Liz.
"I had never been cussed at before," Liz said as she looked down at her hands.
Liz quickly got a pharmacist to help her take care of the monster at the front counter.
Moments later a familiar sound got louder and louder. Two policemen breezed through the front of K-Mart to save Liz from the jittery unidentified man.
Liz discovered that man was a heroine addict that needed the needles to feed his ugly addiction.
Liz took a deep breath of relief as the seas began to settle again after the storm.
I liked how the story started out talking about the calm seas before the storm and then ended with the same thoughts. It brought the story full circle!
ReplyDeleteI also liked the seas metaphor, and how it tied back into it at the end. The quotes helped, but they were in past tense while the rest of the story was in present. I loved the description of his voice.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you said "his unwashed face oozed with disdain." and also the opening paragraph, " Time stood still in the windowless dungeon like pharmacy like a calm sea right before a treacherous storm hits. "
ReplyDeletevery descriptive!
Whoa that's a crazy story! Good description, maybe could be a bit longer.
ReplyDeleteThe story is good, I liked the incident because it's not every day you have that type of person come to your counter, even if he was a customer. The situation was bizarre at first which made it interesting, just a guy asking for needles, but then you wonder - Why is he asking for needles? Then the cops come to bust him. Very entertaining!
ReplyDeleteI would say the lead needs a little revising because saying 'like' two times in the same sentence makes it a little hard to understand. A hyphen perhaps would have worked after dungeon, but also I think the word dungeon might not be the right word here. The only other thing I would suggest is perhaps make the scene of the guy getting arrested a little more emotional, like how did Liz react, did the guy grapple with the cops, or what happened after they took him away?
Otherwise, good story! I liked it!
Great story, but I would have liked to see more descriptions. Maybe more detail on what the man looked like and more on how Liz felt during the whole altercation.
ReplyDeletei liked the way you described the man! i could imagine him and felt scared for liz
ReplyDeleteGood story but leaves me with more questions. I would have liked some more detail and color. You have some good quotes from Liz though, and that adds a lot of color.
ReplyDelete