Sabotaging Husbands

by Cathy Caudill

I became interested in feature writing while reading articles I'd come across in women's interest magazines. I've pulled one particular article that intrigued me from a stack of oldish magazines, entitled "Sabotaging Husbands," by Leslie Bennetts (Elle, April 2009). Bennetts assesses a phenomenon where men, who feel threatened when their wives' career success surpasses their own, begin to sabotage their spouses' work lives (both consciously and unconsciously).

The article was particularly well-written. I was immediately pulled in by the first paragraph, when she observed the situations of two friends whose boyfriends were career saboteurs. Both were on the path to career success: one as a doctor, the other as a lawyer. "The lawyer's boyfriend...started a huge fight the night before she had an important case to try; the doctor's boyfriend kept her up all night before every major exam. Needless to say, neither woman's work performance was enhanced by the emotional angst or lack of sleep."

Bennetts probes further into the phenomenon: Why do men sabotage their wives' careers? Are they aware that they are doing it? How does this impact marriage (and subsequently influence divorce)? And why do many women fail to confront them about it?

She paints the article with a variety of scenarios, from the freelance writer—whose husband would hide her staplers and ink cartridges—to Bill Clinton's behavior during Hillary's presidential campaign—"[committing] so many gaffes that people suspected he was subconsciously trying to undermine her prospects." Some men were petty: one woman, who had gone back to graduate school, "would come home to find the kitchen a mess and clothes strewn all over." Others would provoke them on an emotional level, "accusing their partners of neglecting the family."

Bennetts reinforces her article with quotes from psychological scholars and therapists who have researched the matter. One therapist says, "Men are not supposed to be vulnerable or dependent, so the deeper psychological threat is the fear of abandonment....The more successful the woman is outside the marriage, the more insecure in his grasp she is inside the marriage." 

But another problem is the failure of women in such relationships to confront the matter. "The problem now is that when American women...forgo their deepest wishes in order to protect the marriage, they hate it—and resentment eats at a marriages like a cancer." One psychiatrist says, "I can't tell you how many marriages I've seen where the woman accommodated the man and progressively withdrew, and then the guy leaves her anyway, because it's a dead marriage."

Bennetts does not, however, assume that all men with successful wives are conniving to destroy them. She concludes that as more and more women are rising to prominence in the workplace, "men—particularly younger ones—are adjusting more easily and often find they actually welcome the benefits...it's a relief to have two incomes in the family." The article ends with one psychiatrist's optimistic statement, "...Healthy people keep up the struggle and get back there. There's a lot of hope."

Overall, it was a very interesting article—once I started reading it, I had to finish it. Her frequent use of quotes from experts suggests both a thorough and intelligent approach to the feature. Most importantly, aside from being a compelling read, it was very relatable: although I could not personally relate to the relationship quandaries portrayed, I saw it in the lives of several of my peers. Also, there was also the lingering possibility that it could happen to me down the road—as I finished reading "Sabotaging Husbands," I was pleased with the new sense of awareness it gave me.

If you wish to read the article online:

http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/Career-Advice-Sabotaging-Husbands