(*) indicates names being changed.
Casey Williams* sat Indian style on her black futon. Her shoe-polish-black hair hung in her eyes as she fiddled with her nose ring. The black curtains that hung from the dorm’s windows allowed very little light to shine in and forced people to squint to find her bed when entering.
She was wearing her usual outfit: dark purple sweatpants and a band tee shirt. Her lack of shoes revealed her latest addition: a tattoo on her foot, dedicated to her father.
Casey was always close with her family. Being an only child, her parents made it their goal in life to make sure she was happy. She got everything she ever asked for. She always had friends in high school, came home everyday to an adorable log cabin in Vermont and a puppy named Terry that her and her family adopted from the animal shelter.
The First Loss
It wasn’t until her junior year that things began to change. Her mother, who was normally a healthy looking woman, dropped down to 95 pounds. She had felt sick for weeks but never told Casey or her husband. It wasn’t until the noticeable weight loss that they began to worry. After many hospital visits, chemotherapy, radiation and prayers, Casey lost her mother to brain cancer six months after being diagnosed.
The loss of her mother hit Casey harder than she expected. She began swirling into a darker world, a world where no one would know how to help.
At school when they had gym class, Casey would sneak out, go behind the bleachers in the gym, and cut her upper thigh with a razorblade to relieve her stress. “It was the only pain I felt I could control myself,” she said, avoiding eye contact. She carried band-aids in her sneakers and would cover the wounds to stop the blood from dripping down her gym shorts.
She got angel wings, dedicated to her mother, tattooed on her back with her mother’s initials and day she died.
The Boyfriend
Her junior year of high school also brought Jake Sulley* into her life. “Jake was the type of boy mothers told their daughters to stay away from. It would work out that we would meet after mine had just passed,” Casey shrugged.
Jake, father of a two-year-old girl, swept Casey off her feet. She loved his “bad boy” image of leather jackets and ponytails. “I even had my own helmet with my name on it for when we rode his motorcycle, looking back this should have been a red flag,” she admitted.
Casey’s junior prom was the first time Jake ever abused her. After Casey congratulated the prom king with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, Jake pulled her into the foyer of the hotel and grabbed both of her arms as tight as he could. “He just stood there, shaking me as hard as he could. He told me that if I ever touched another boy again he would find me and kill me. I believed him,” she said as her eyes welled up with tears.
She picked up a rubber band ball off the floor and nervously plucked its strings before she continued (she used to wear rubber bands around her wrists and snap them to her skin as a tool to keep herself from cutting herself). “He left bruises on my arms that began to show before Prom was even over,” Casey said.
For fear of losing another person in her life, Casey stuck with Jake. Every time he apologized, she believed him. Every time he begged for her to take him back, she did. The summer after her junior year Jake had pushed her down a flight of steps, attempted to push her out of his moving car, and hold her up to knifepoint at a steakhouse parking lot. He blamed his rough childhood and lack of parents on his crazy rants and always pleaded for forgiveness when he came to his senses.
College
Casey knew that if she wanted to stay alive, she would have to go to college far enough away from Jake that she felt safe, but close enough so that he would not catch on to her desperate need for distance. She chose High Point University, a long haul from Vermont but about two hours from the small Votech school Jake chose.
Her father was too busy with work to move Casey in so she drove, from Shrewsbury, Vermont to High Point, North Carolina alone. Her tiny Subaru was packed to the ceiling with clothes and room décor.
While everyone else’s parents came along for their children’s first step into adulthood, Casey made her bed and silently unpacked her things. Living with seven other girls in an apartment style dorm, she was fast to make friends and soon had many helpers.
Her first month of school flew by. She lived with a great group of girls, enjoyed her classes, and became involved in as much as possible.
The Phone Call
Casey zipped up her black North Face duffle bag with a weekend’s worth of clothes. She was planning on going to visit Jake for the first time after his refusal to come to High Point. While she was an hour away from HPU, she gets a phone call from her aunt:
“Casey, what are you doing? If you’re driving pull over I need to tell you something.”
Her heart started racing and she instantly forgot how to work a car. Everything suddenly seemed foreign.
Casey: “What? What’s going on? I’m on my way to see Jake.”
Aunt: “Honey, you’re father passed away.”
She slammed on the brakes in the middle of the highway like she had almost hit a deer. The car behind her had to swerve out of the way to avoid rear-ending her. She pulled herself together enough to pull over on the side of the road as she bashed her head against her steering wheel as if trying to break it with her skull.
Still on the phone with her Aunt, all she could do was breathe heavily on the line. Ironically, she lived in the North Carolina, so after over an hour of sobbing and confusion, she drove to her Aunt’s house to find out all the details.
The Second Loss
Her father died of pancreatic failure. He was sitting on his couch watching football when he felt like someone had stabbed him with an invisible knife. He was knocked to the floor in pain and somehow mentioned to call 9-1-1. He had been in and out of the hospital for reasons such as this but nothing to this degree. He passed away in the hospital that night.
Her Aunt was now the only family she had left. No parents, no grandparents, no siblings. It was now Casey, her aunt, and two cousins who had been in and out of rehab and prison for various reasons. This tiny family was now her only hope.
“I didn’t tell many people this, but I think three days after my dad died, I had a dream I was on the phone [with him] but it wasn’t a normal conversation, it was like I was talking to him, and he was already in heaven. I kept asking him, "Why did you leave? Please come back, I need you." I heard his voice, and he said, "It was my time, I had to go. I’m sorry baby, I’ll see you someday." That dream, hit me so hard,” Casey whispered.
Reality
When fall break approached, Casey did not go home like the rest of her friends. She stayed at school and did paperwork and made business calls.
“I would hear people talking about how they're going home soon and cant wait to see people. I would envy those people more than I’ve ever envied someone. I would have loved to go home, to a family, a normal life. I would do anything. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I can’t think of any reason good enough to have this as an excuse for it happening,” Casey said through small sobs.
She was 18 years old and planning her father’s funeral. She requested to get all the bills from her house in Vermont, forwarded to her campus mailbox. She was now in charge.
Thanksgiving came and she spent it at her aunt’s house. It was not until December that she would make her first voyage to Vermont, alone, to an empty house.
Strength
Even through all this tragedy, Casey has never let it bring her down. Though there were some rough times, suffering with self-mutilation and depression, after a year she has come out on top. She sold her house in Vermont and is currently self-paying her way through college. She joined a sorority and has a 3.5 GPA. She rid Jake from her life and hasn’t spoken to him in over a year. She is currently dating a new boy, who treats her like she is the only girl on the planet. They plan to marry in 2012.
She recently got a new tattoo, a peace dove on her inner wrist to symbolize that everything is calm.
“I pray every night to see my parents in my dreams, and I don’t most of the time. But sometimes I do, and those times, I always wake up with a smile on my face. As hard as these years have been for me, I feel like it will make me into a better and stronger person.”
No comments:
Post a Comment